i would like to thank my sponsors...

and i totally would, if i had any.
lately i have been thinking about the upper eschalons of equestrian sport, and how it really does take a village of people to make a sucessful upper level show/event/dressage/race horse. also, i spent a few days working in the Atlanta Steeplechase office and noticed how big of a difference the generosity of a sponsor can make for a large scale event like that.
So, being the efficient problem solver that i am (sometimes, when i'm not just whining), i decided i just needed to find sponsors for my life and equestrian pursuits, and pretty much all of my financial shortcomings would be taken care of. There are of course, more than a few openings to fill, so I spent some time today in traffic thinking about which sponsor relationships would work the best. I mean, who can I get to fill those important niches in exchange for free advertising and a lifetime of loyalty from a rampant blabberer and low level horse show-er with big dreams and and even bigger mouth?
This is what I've got so far, listed by category, need, and of course, what I can provide in return:

Vehicles: Ford- I already drive a white Edge- a lot. So people ALL over the great state of Georgia see it zipping around everywhere, to the tune of about 400 miles a week. That is GREAT exposure. AND!! it's often covered in dirt, mud, and hay particles, which clearly showcases the full spectrum of it's utility as a zip around town car all the way to a pseudo farm truck. I could also showcase the incredible cargo capacity by opening my back doors where there exists an entire closet, tack shop, office and trash can- all in one! So all I really need from Ford is a white F-250 4x4 king ranch package with that pretty baseball glove looking interior. This way, I could also be advertising for them at the myriad of horse related events I attend on the weekend where I need off road and towing capabilities. My hair color and highlights look really pretty against the color of those leather seats, so I'm pretty sure as a "real" woman spokesmodel, I could really be effective since I really can tow a trailer, drag someone out of a mud hole, and explain the merits of using diesel fuel when hauling to all those interested parties- not to mention my dogs are total people magnets and who needs an opening line to get people interested in what you have to say when you have two totally cute furry faces drawing you in. I would also consider adding a composting system to the bed of the truck to provide a use for all of the chicken poop I have, and the horse poop from the trailer, and leftover chick-fil-a fries that get cold. So my F-250 could essentially be a traveling ranch and mobile self contained ecosystem- surely worthy of the king ranch package. Just a good ole American girl, driving a good looking American truck- spreading the word wherever I go! Thanks Ford, I am looking forward to our partnership!

Onto trailers:
This was a pretty hard decision, but the winner is...
so awesome.
Clearly, this company "gets" my overriding goal in life- efficiency and fun!


Tires/Batteries and vehicle maintenance:
This one is still up for grabs and I'm open to proposals. I really like American companies, preferably family owned, with multiple convenient locations and great customer service. I will obviously be needing lots of tires and maintenance, so you can be assured that I will plaster your logo all over the side of everything I own- much like a nascar driver, but prettier, more fluent in English and with animals in tow. I can totally learn to do a back flip off of something and mention your name every time i win a ribbon if that's what you're into. :)

Fuel:

This is a tough one. Although Racetrac and QT both have similar prices and locations, it's really fun to say, "QT"- like "cutee"..."gotta drop by the cutee on the way to the barn". And they have that mocha alert cappucino that I'm sure is no where even closely related to actual coffee but it tastes amazing and has enough caffeine to get a hippo through a marathon. And they have BIG pickles, delicious turkey sandwiches and apple fritters, and corn dogs but with crescent roll crust. Anyone who's ever been stuck at a horse show for like 43 hours with no food KNOWS how good a corn dog from QT can taste. Clearly, I'm already a loyal customer- just imagine the untapped revenue stream you guys could get from me converting every giant diesel drinking truck to convert to loving the "CUTEE" as well. SEA of potential converts (all those white specks in the background are trailers, attached to trucks!):

we horse people love horse power- in every sense of the word

Race Trac, don't worry- you are still in the running, if you can outdo the surely forthcoming sponsorship package from QT. My demands are simple, diesel fuel, delicious highly caffienated beverages, big pickles, and corn dogs.

Farm Equipment: 

I'm not really sure yet on this one. I mean, I like the color green, so clearly John Deere is a frontrunner, but I like the name "New Holland", since my middle name is Holland. So pretty much whoever can deliver one of those cool tractors with the "unicorn" attachment so I can move round bales around and my husband can drive it around an be entertained gets the job. Thanks- let me know when it will arrive so I can be sure to have a crowd gathered to see my new metal unicorn.

Feed:

The mare is VERY partial to her Seminole Gold-Chance Hi Efficiency pellets and Ultra Bloom rice bran so Seminole was the only choice for this one. They have a pretty big name in racing circles and are based out of Florida, but the big mare and I would love to make them the go-to feed for eventers as well. Seriously- I LOVE Seminole feeds and the science behind it. Also, their customer service is top notch when I have a product question. She eats four bags a month exactly and with great gusto!

Supplements:

Steadfast Equine by Arenus

info here

LOVE this supplement. It's easy, convenient, and it just shows up at my door every other month. I love the chemistry behind it's formulation and that it addresses soft AND hard tissue maintenance and repair. Plus it smells kind of good- like soup- and she eats it without hesitation! I sing it's praises to everyone who asks me questions like "how come jazz only gets one supplement?" "how come her feet are so good for a TB and shes barefoot?" "why does her coat look good in winter?", "she had 67 starts as a racehorse and gets no injections???". Yes Arenus, you have a disciple, and I even took a package of this supplement to a chemistry genius and had him break it down and ya know what? They aren't even kidding when they say it benefits joints, ligaments and bones plus coat and feet. LOVE it! Would gladly plaster your very unoffensive logo on my saddle pads and explain the science behind the magical packet of goodness to everyone that asks about it. After all, 80% of your customer base shows at lower level shows....just sayin'

Tack:

This is a tricky one. I don't want to be forced to use certain equipment because I am super picky about tack. I like older saddles. Although I do have dreams about Vespucci bridles. Jazz does too- she told me how good that nice soft leather would feel against her lovely face. She would tell all the other horses to make their mom's buy them Vespucci bridles. 

And she wants a Mattes sheepskin half pad with shims for the front right side. She is working on building her topline, but Gah, no one has a perfectly symmetrical body, and the little dip behind her right shoulder can really make her dressage and jumping saddle feel weird. She wanted to tell all those sheep thank you for their sacrifices for her benefit and that she also enjoys the breathability of their fleeces- there are very few textures that she will tolerate against her skin, but she loves the sheepskin!

Personal care items:

Shampoo- I have a two year long obsession with Suave Professionals moisturizing shampoo- it smells like coconuts and it's amazing. Jazz get's bathed with Suave as well and also enjoys smelling like a very large brown coconut. It makes our hair so soft and clean. Really, we are very easy to please and very low maintenance and we smell good. People like us.

Moisturizer, sunscreen and lip balm: AVEENO! oh AVEENO, I could not live a day without you. I order your VERY hard to find lip balm in bulk from an undisclosed online pharmacy because it is NEVER available locally and I cannot share my sources, and without your sunscreen and moisturizer and lotion, I would look like a crinkly lobster made of leather- much like the older women of the upper level eventing set- scary. No thank you, I will not sacrifice my skin for any amazing horse related lifestyle when I can just slather myself in Aveeno products every day and force them upon my often sunburned, windburned, chapped and dehydrated fellow equestriennes. If I sneak around the corner of your barn aisle at a show and spray you with sunscreen as I dart past, you will thank me later! The Aveeno kind is not sticky, and doesn't sting your eyes when the sweat from underneath your helmet drips down into your face on cross country! AVEENO- listen up, I could really use some samples to give out at shows, I ASSURE you that we in the equestrian sporting world NEED your products- and no one markets them to us- help me help you.

Boots:

Le chameau- I love you. let me just say that. I'm sure people who don't know me personally but see me around school, the grocery story, the library, etc. wonder WHY it is that that woman always has on tall olive green rubber boots? Does she work on a dairy farm? Is she a pirate? Maybe she has a lower leg deformity she is trying to cover up? Nope- I just love wearing your boots. They keep my feet dry, warm, and they are so comfy. Do they look great with yoga pants- probably not, but I don't care! Who needs tennis shoes or weird looking crocs when you can wear tall rubber boots every day?

Dress boots and field boots: 

This sponsorship opportunity will be highly competitive. I currently own 5 pair of quality tall boots, but each seems to have a fatal flaw in fit or design. Honestly, when you pay over 400$ for a pair of dress boots, its more than just disappointing when the zippers fail after a year of use and the sole falls off. Get with it people- the dang boots are just getting comfortable after a year- I don't WANT to replace them and have to wade through 48 brands and styles of boots to find decent ones. And WHO may I ask does this industry use as fit models? Weird cankle cursed tube legged people? Just from general observation, a human leg tapers down from the knee to the ankle. If you would like a diagram of the anatomy of the human lower leg, I will be glad to let you borrow a book. Lord, no wonder people finally just lose their minds and pay 900$ for custom boots- it's a constant battle! Make decent boots for people that actually ride and wear them! It's your job!

One day, when someone actually cares about my opinion, and makes good boots, I will buy you a billboard on the side of 75 to exclaim your success. I swear.

Stress relief:

I think a traveling massage therapist could make a killing at horse shows and clinics. I will gladly share you and you can probably charge like $80 a minute and people would pay it. Just kindly remember who's idea it was to take you to shows and horse events, and please remember for about 60 minutes, once a week. Thanks.

Stress eating:

Everyone has a weakness, admit it. Mine is oreos. When i have a bad day I just want about eight twelve oreos and all of the sudden my bad mood disappears. Charlie Sheen may not agree, but really, i think oreo binges are far less detrimental to my overall health than slamming 7 gram rocks. And I'm fresh out of tiger blood, so Oreos it is. Nabisco, I'm really not quite sure what I could give you in return for this sponsorship, but my horse likes them too, so maybe you could market them as horse treats too. whatever it takes, I NEED them.

Celebrations and merriement:

At the end of a long summer day of riding, I am thirsty, and nothing pleases me more on a hot Georgia afternoon, than cracking open an ice cold Miller High Life. Fortunately for our small and pretty un-judgemental horse community, driving golf carts around horse show grounds sipping beers is generally accepted unless you are an uptight weirdo who escaped from DQ prison. So miller, let me tell you what. I am like SUPER friendly and generally sociable, people talk to me, even when I don't want them to. Send me lots of beer to share with them because I don't think people know how good Miller High Life is! 

From the champagne of beers to actual champagne, Veuve Cliquot Ponsardin, I am going to need you to install a fountain of some sort in my house. Not only are you the best because a woman started your lovely champagne house, but also because you taste like the nectar of heaven. Nothing is a celebration without you. Can you also make me a giant reproduction of your label to plaster on the side of my horse trailer? I'm pretty sure no one has ever done that before and it would look awesome. My horse is very pretty and horse people generally love to drink, so the trailer would be quite the attention getter. I promise not to drink and drive, just drive and promote and then drink when I get there. K Perfect.

Other sponsorship opportunities:

- an organic farm to provide me and the chickens with veggies and tout the awesomeness of eating fresh, local and not commercial.

- sports bras- see the section on boots for explanation of my feelings...

- dog training- with all of these upcoming sponsorships, my life will be spent in the public eye, so my dogs should probably not be a giant embarrassment of spoiled and undisciplined behaviours. Help.

**disclaimer**- obviously the blog post is intended as mostly a joke and i know i am not cool enough to get my life sponsored so don't take this all seriously and get offended about things. i like to dream big.  thanks.