Friday, October 3, 2014

The Horse Shaped Hole

During what seems like a lifetime ago, I was sitting in a stuffy room filled with other high schoolers clad in North Face fleeces in the mountains of what I think was somewhere in North Carolina. Outside, the air was sharp and chilly and fresh, and I remember wanting a breath of it. I was hot, but I didn't want to take off my fleece and draw attention to myself in that quiet room, or accidentally expose what I thought then, were totally hideous love handles that might pop out of my jeans. I laugh at that now, because I would pay for those love handles instead of these...

Anyway, the reason I was sitting in that room is because I was on a Young Life retreat, and although I don't remember the speaker's name, what he said has stuck with me for 15 years. He was talking to us about our hearts, not in the pumps blood to the rest of our body sense, but in the representative of our soul sense- which is how I am referring to it here. I have always been spiritual and identify as a Christian. I was reared in a Christian family and we attended church most Sundays. However, religion and Christianity were never forced on me and one of the things I appreciate most about my parents is that they allowed and encouraged me to question  my beliefs while growing up.

I've always held a closely guarded and personal set of beliefs that some Christians may out right disagree with. I do not believe that if you have never heard the word of God, or about God, that you go to hell. I just don't think the God I know would hold that against you. I also believe that God comes to people in very individual ways and that although I identify as a Christian and my friend may identify as Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist etc., that we are all probably receiving our spirituality and religion in the way that our culture, upbringing, and heart is most available to receive it. In other words, I think that the Native Americans, and the Hindus and me and everyone else, are all probably communicating with the same omniscient being. That's the part of my beliefs that some Christians would get really uncomfortable with, and that's their right. I get really uncomfortable with forcing other belief systems on those that don't want to experience them using threats of eternal hell and burning in lakes of fire, but that's just me. If you look at the basic premise of any religion, they are ultimately eerily similar. Religion and spirituality is extremely personal and comes to each person differently and not one minute before or after their heart is ready for it. Christianity is right for me, but I totally feel uncomfortable and out of place in Pentecostal Christian churches. I feel judged for my quiet faith and my preference to pray when alone in nature, and I feel like everyone there is having a contest to see who can be the most Christian in front of the most people, so instead of it being about faith, it's about appearing faithful, and I don't get it. If waving your hands in the air and shouting Hallelujah in a room full of others while singing praise songs is your thing and makes you feel full of the Spirit, then go for it. It's just not for me. I find that I don't very often feel comfortable in rooms full of people though, I'd rather worship while riding through a field on a horse as that is where I feel the most connected to God and all of His creation

So this takes us back to that stuffy room and what that man was saying. He described our hearts like a block of swiss cheese; full of holes. In order for our hearts to feel full/whole/fulfilled, we filled those holes with various things that were important to us and each hole had a shape. Unless you filled those individually shaped holes with the right shape, much like a puzzle, you were left there with a hole and an ill fitting piece and the yearning to find the right piece of the puzzle. He was talking specifically about the God shaped hole that nothing else could fill. This visual really stuck with me.

At 31 years old, I'm far more secure about what my heart needs to be filled with to be whole than I was at that time. My God shaped hole is filled, my love shaped hole is filled, my family and friends shaped holes are filled for now, and the things I do that make me feel like me, those holes are filled as well. The only glaring, gaping hole in my heart, is shaped like a horse. My heart and soul ache for it to be filled. People who don't love horses or understand their role in my life may find that statement to seem selfish, bratty, or shallow, since having a horse is technically a "material possession" and an expensive one at that. Trust me, I wish I had a bicycle or elliptical machine shaped hole instead; for oh so many reasons, but I just don't.

I do not remember a time when I wasn't obsessed with and fascinated by horses, ponies and generally anything with four legs. I don't understand people who don't love animals any more than I understand serial killers. Not to compare the two, but that is the level at which not loving animals seems foreign to me. I try REALLY hard not to judge people that say they don't like dogs or think horses are super scary. I don't mean to make assumptions about them based on that, but I do, because I feel like they can't possibly feel complete without knowing what I know about how a life filled with creatures can bring happiness, healing, comfort, joy, beauty, sadness, heartbreak, faith and all the emotions and lessons you need in life to become a decent human, and I don't understand how a life filled with other sports or possessions can possibly compare. But that's presumptuous of me, and I know that. I continue to work on it.

Luckily, my parents figured this out about me at an early age. We always had dogs, a couple of cats, some hamsters, a guinea pig, a potbellied pig named Bocephus, numerous fish, parakeets, and some involvement with horses. I took riding lessons starting at about age 8, worked in barns and would've lived there if they'd let me. When I was 13, I got my very own first horse. It was a glorious day and I'll never forget it. I'm sure it was much like the first time you get high on cocaine, and you want that feeling forever and ever and ever. It wasn't the "getting" part though, it was the "having and loving" part. My horse shaped hole was filled, and at a time when I hated school because everyone seemed mean, suspicious and generally intolerant of the new girl that was totally wearing the wrong brand of jeans and was therefore worthless, I could go to the barn and my horse would happily trot to me from the field, and tolerate my hours long grooming sessions, and let me sleep on his back while he grazed, and teach me that down banks in XC were in fact not scary at all, and that the more I gave of myself to take care of this fantastic creature, the more love and life lessons I got in return as we grew together. He was a young greenie when I got him, and so every success was our success and every failure was mine to learn from and fix. He taught me that there are almost never problems that can't be solved with hard work and good intentions. My horse just let me be me, with no judgement, and he taught me that letting other people and animals be themselves and feel comfortable in who they are and how they learn, is perhaps the greatest gift you can ever give another creature.

After my first horse was injured in a trailer accident, I went a very long time without a horse of my own or doing much riding at all. In my grief and sadness and ignorance that those emotions were what I was experiencing, I tried to fill the horse shaped hole with lots of teenager-y things that seemed to make everyone else happy. Cheerleading (which I was terrible at), getting attention from boys, making good grades, having parties at my house to try to make other people happy, excelling at art; all of those things did make me happy temporarily and art probably helped me the most, but when I look back at those years without involvement with horses, I think I was probably depressed for most of them.

In college I started riding again, and something was missing. I rode on the equestrian team for a year, I rode other people's horses, I took lessons, I volunteered for a Hippotherapy program for kids with special needs. It was all wonderful and taught me tremendous things about horse care and management and the power of a horse for a human spirit, but at the end of the day, those horses didn't belong to me, and they weren't mine to love, nurture, care for, and develop a partnership with on a daily basis- but I did those things anyway and it healed me a lot.

After college I got an OTTB, it was the first time I felt ready to really fill the horse shaped hole, and honestly I think that without her and all that she taught me, I would never have had the courage to get out of a bad marriage, chase my dreams and move from GA to VA and start a whole new chapter in my life. If there's one thing an independent mare will teach you, it's the value of picking your battles and that self preservation and selfishness are two very different things. I ultimately lost her due to a freak slab fracture in her knee, and although I still get teary when I see a photo of her, I know that we were in eachother's lives for very specific reasons and that she is probably much more at peace now, than she ever felt she could be here trying to live up to the expectations of humans.

I've spent the last few years fully immersed in Eventing as a rider and professional groom- from watching and riding Beginner Novice and young horses, up to being able to "read" a XC course at the 3* level and understand what it takes to care for and ride upper level eventers. I am insatiably curious, and it pays off to be so in a sport like horseback riding where you can never ever know everything. One thing I do know about myself now, is that I am a good steward of the animals in my care. I can confidently and comfortably manage a group of horses, but especially my own. I know what they need and what they want and I understand them and they seem to understand that about me. I'm the girl the loose horses at shows run to, and the girl the scared, lost, or wandering children in public places flock to. I don't know why and sometimes I laugh when I remember praying to God when I was little for him to please make me like Snow White so that all the animals would come to me, and I think He has a funny sense of humor in answering that prayer. People say to me often, "this ____ (horse, dog, child, etc.) seems so comfortable with you!" and sometimes I'm very thankful for that, and sometimes I would like them to remove their snot covered child from my lap and take it home so that I can eat my dinner in peace...

The hardest part for me now, is that the horse shaped hole isn't full. I have the perfect place to keep a horse, the time to care for and ride a horse, the supplies and tack and equipment to outfit us for any activity, and the knowledge and skills to provide the horse with a happy career and happy life suitable for what he or she may need. I even have the income to maintain the horse, but the horse shaped hole still isn't full. I have, luckily, had the chance to ride some amazing horses and lease a few really nice horses that have taught me a lot and for that, I'm extremely appreciative.  I'm just finally ready to have my own horse again. Partly because I really like to manage my own horses based on my beliefs in what they need, but also because, as I'm sure a mother knows that their child may love their nanny, but will never have the same bond as they do to their mother, I'm tired of being the nanny to the horses, I want the bond that you only have with your own horse. My gut keeps telling me no when I'm offered leases. It's time for me to find my "heart horse".

I've been casually looking at OTTB's again because I love Thoroughbreds and want somewhat of a young horse, but unfortunately my champagne taste in young prospects is often overruled by my beer budget. The two horses I have really liked, both sold in a matter of hours, as I'm not the only one with good taste in horses. I also do not have a truck and trailer of my own (pro grooming is great experience, but not for those that wish to maintain large bank accounts), so I'm at the mercy of timing and borrowing things when it's convenient for others- which makes it rather difficult to purchase anything quickly. I also find it really important to find someone who wants their horse happy and well cared for, but ultimately I have to also realize that the bottom line is often the money for a seller. I think that's what I find the most foreign of all when it comes to humans, money is always the driving force, even over love, and I HATE that about our culture and motivations. I have removed a variety of relationships from my life when I realize that money is more important to them than a relationship with another human being and it frightens me that this is the norm for so many people. I totally understand that it takes money to live, but I can assure you I will probably never have a surplus of money, because I will spend it on, or give it to those that need it more than me at that moment. That's what life is really about- getting everyone's holes in their hearts filled.

So for now, the search continues, my $1000 budget is not likely to change any time soon, but somewhere out there, I know there's a horse that needs me, and that I need, and eventually, I hope someone will see that even though my funds are meager, my capacity to care for and love a horse, is worth more than the money in their pocket.
  

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