True Confessions...

How I love a list! Here are a few recent confessions of things I have recently done, thought and experienced. I am writing about these because I may need to review these every so often in order to continue to work to become a more patient, kind, thoughtful and better person. This is a little embarassing.

1. I am a blogcrastinator... well, and sometimes I just don't have anything to say that anyone else should waste time reading. And Ryan made me insecure about blogging. (explained later)

2. I am trying to crate train the girls, which is shocking, I know, since I am the biggest anti-crate training person alive. Would you keep your child in their closet for 7 hours with no access to food/water/stimulation of any sort? But, the other morning, Doodle jumped up on the bed with her two front paws to wake me up and accidentally scratched me right across the cheek. As I jumped out of bed to see the damage after screaming an expletive at her, I stepped in a fresh pile of Rylie Boo poo on the bedroom floor, which I'm pretty sure was God's way of telling me that I should not start out my Sunday mornings screaming expletives at innocent animals. However, I did at that moment realize that my girls are spoiled rotten and out of control. Of course they are beautiful and sweet and do some great tricks, but none of their training is really useful and Ceasar Milan would kick my hiney for "personifying" my animals with human emotions. Thus, the crates. They are VERY slowly learning to go in them and will eventually only spend the night in there because I still believe in my "kid in its closet" theory.

3. Today, I went to Wal-Mart. And I liked it. Anyone who really really knows me knows that I haven't been to Wal-Mart and purchased anything in about a year and that I have severe, deep seated, anti-walmart sentiments because they don't pay women as much as men in equal positions, are terrible about hours for moms, are slowly choking the life out of the small American retailers and a myriad of other reasons that no one wants to hear about... anyway! I was on the way to the barn and as my little suburban Acworth melds into the pretty lake Allatoona area and slowly into more rural country there aren't a whole lot of places to shop. I needed some epsom salts to soak my horses foot in and Lord knows I LOVE a good Walgreens, but there is not one on the way to the barn so I was FORCED to stop at Wal-Mart since epsom salts are sort of an obscure item to be shopping for. I parked by the garden center, took a deep breath, and entered. I expected some good people watching since I was perilously close to the Paulding county line and there's really nowhere else to get your PallMalls, spray cheese, and baby wipes all at once, but alas, mostly everyone had their teeth and were appropriately attired, which was a bit of a letdown. Then, I started seeing merchandise that I liked! UGA dog scarves, my shampoo at almost $2 less than I pay for it at the grocery store... cute Halloween decorations, orchids, vitamins, OMG! I grabbed the epsom salts and the UGA dog scarf and tore to the checkout, reeling in disbelief and disappointment in myself. It was horrible, and exhilarating. I don't know how to feel about this.

3. Why is a four pack of razor blades $14 when a package of 6 disposable razors (that also have the same 3 blade style and comfort handle) $4.89? Does the lavender vanilla aloe vitamin E anti- aging sensitive skin smoothing strip on the blade really cost that much to manufacture? Do I really need the lavender vanilla aloe vitamin E anti-aging sensitive skin smoothing strip on the blade? And why now do I have to throw away 6 disposable razors in the landfill that will NEVER degrade because of my current economic circumstances? Thanks Gillette, for polluting and being expensive and BTW lavender vanilla mango smells like a gas station bathroom.

4. Khloe Kardashian got married to a dude whom shes known for all of about four weeks. WHAAAT? On a more positive note, if Kim married Reggie, that family is going to have some very good looking mocha colored children with "good butt" genes all around. Watch out Beyonce, you're not going to be the prettiest anymore!

5. I felt super fat today. Then, to add to my self loathing, I was eating M&M's in my car at a red light when one of those near death looking runner types ran by my car and actually jogged in place while waiting for the crosswalk. Have you ever wanted to jump out of your car and tackle someone and take her straight to Zaxby's? I am all for physical fitness, but this chick was on the verge of "forced feeding tube" thin. EWW. Somewhere the has to be a happy medium and until you find it- stop running!
And thanks for making me feel like a hippo.

6. I have a STATS test on Friday and I haven't studied for it or been to either one of the review sessions. Good idea Ellie, way to live on the edge.

7. Ryan makes fun of me for blogging. I just ignore him but it makes me insecure a little. I think he's just jealous that he doesn't find it as easy to communicate as I do and he doesn't care about keeping a record of our lives! He says I'm a nerd and no one reads this. WHATEVA...

8. I have discovered that I have zero patience for people that ask inanely dumb questions in my Psych class while simultaneously using incorrect grammar. My mom said this does not bode well for my bedside manner as a future nurse... I reminded her that natural selection may not be such a bad theory after all.

I FINALLY did it!

I got a new blog background! Thanks to Danielle and her super cute and funny baby blog see:

www.sweetchloelight.blogspot.com

And... (disclaimer, this one gets a little deeper than my usual blog entries)

I am shaking the "swine flu"/strep throat like sickness I have been battling for the last two weeks. Throw in a little PMS and my my, what a cocktail of misery! No wonder Ryan "went fishing in Savannah for the weekend"...

But more important than all that, I reorganized our living room furniture, cleaned out my jewelry studio and started on a new little collection for a late fall sale, tried KFC grilled chicken, am actually enjoying Chemistry and Statistics class (gasp!) and went one whole week without the poodle chewing up anything with more than a $10 value. Awesome.

The new living room format started it all over the last two weeks! The new format is much more conducive to having guests and watching movies, but I'm not sure about the level of "design intergrity". (I think it's ugly) Unfortunately, since we have a great house (cough cough... big mortgage payment) and one of us is gainfully employed while the other is underemployed, in school, and addicted to participating in equestrian sports; my perfectly sketched out living room furniture and design, including rug, is to remain in the same folder as the: barn plans, pic of the white Aston Martin Vanquish convertible, build your own F-250 King Ranch printout, 50 acre horse farm with original historic stone house, lake and adjoining organic farm ad, and the business cards from my favorite estate jewelry dealers which I have been collecting for years.

Sometimes, I look at this folder and wonder when or if any of these "material girl dreams" will in fact materialize. I also have much more realistic desires like granite countertops and a fenced backyard and sometimes think about where the heck my "bailout" check that must be lost in the mail from Washington is! J/K about the check. Anyway, then, I think about whether or not any of that stuff really is important and whether I should spend time wanting it at all. Maybe I am still in the "quarter life crisis" stage of life (don't laugh, this really happens) or maybe I was just reared in a culture where material things were paralled with "dreams" and markers of success. Am I not sucessful until my folder is empty? Will I be satisfied if it is? These uncertain economic times have slammed my generation on its "I have a college degree and therefore a job, a 3 series BMW, and I eat sushi in Buckhead 3 nights a week while wearing Tori Burch flats and a Tibi top" entitled hiney. We can all pretend that we aren't shocked by stories of people our parents age losing their entire retirement saving in the stock market or when we open that letter from our credit card company lowering our limit "just because", but I think we ARE shocked. This was not the plan. This generation did community service since middle school, we are college educated and multi-lingual, we gladly took unpaid internships and worked at summer camps to build our resumes. We did all the right things and burst into the "real world" expecting the same things we saw those just a few years older enjoying and BAM...the real world said, "put it in the folder honey cause youre not gonna see it anytime soon". So no new furniture and no fenced yard. We work our hineys off to do what we should and pay the mortgage instead of expecting someone else to save us. We slowly pay off those student loans and we get letters in the mail about how the "homestead exemption" has not been funded by the state this year and the property taxes are going up. After spending a few days realizing that after the mortgage, health insurance, car payments and insurance, bills, etc... are paid, there's still more to be paid, it hit me. The stuff in the folder is SO not important and so not an indicator of success. The things my culture taught me were important to have were only important under a completely different economic context.

We are successful because of what we've done and are doing NOW, not because of what we have. We are working and are lucky to both have jobs. We are paying the bills and we aren't losing our home. We have great families and great friends and great hobbies. We are loving and enjoying life, and even though we HAVE to laugh about not having 401K's and investment portfolios or 8 month emergency savings accounts, we are, at this time and in this culture, successful. I am not a pastry chef or a candy maker and I don't NEED granite countertops, even though I think they are pretty and that I need them because I love things made out of rocks.

So I FINALLY did it, I chunked the contents of the folder. It was hard, I won't lie. I am incapable of not wanting things, I know, but I think I FINALLY grew up a little. I walked back inside my cute little house, sat down on my green couch with a little dog hair on it, put my feet up on a hand-me-down ottoman, drank a glass of cheap pinot grigio and said a little prayer to thank God for my blessings and my family and petted my dogs. And really, at that very moment, I had everything I wanted.

The tough life of Rylie Boo Louise

Having spent a good part of the day at home, here are my observations on what exactly it is that the poodle does all day. She decided to narrate for you.

6:20 am: cuddle time with mom begins with a good ear scratching moment followed by the slow creep up to her face for a little kiss... circle, sigh, back to sleep.

7:00 am: poop in hall quickly while mom gets in the shower

7:00-7:20: spot my red ball on moms bathroom counter and whine for it, incessantly. She keeps saying something about not giving it to me because I am slowly destroying it by chewing it into little tiny pieces. I am perfectly capable of vomiting those up later but whatever. Bitch. Whine louder.

7:30: Refuse to pee outside. It's apparent that mom is running late. Is that a bird down the street? Bark. Pull on leash. Bark. Growl. Sit in grass. Ok I'm done.

9:30: Mom is home! YAY! Bark!

9:31: Mom feeds us breakfast. Refuse to eat it unless she puts fish oil on top. Look at her longingly- YES... she put the fish oil on it. Yum.

9:36: Mom is on the phone, quick, poop in the hall. It's so much nicer to poop in the AC.

9:45: THERE'S SOMEONE OUTSIDE!!!!!!! BARK, BARK, REPEAT! THERE'S SOMEONE OUTSIDE!!!!!!!! (it's trash day and I HATE those people and that truck)

10:00 am: follow mom upstairs, make a nest in clean clothes pile on bed, nap

11:32: wake up, step on moms computer to get petted, gaze at the window where blinds are closed and growl, there could be something out there...

11:33: she gave me the red ball to get me to stop growling... works every time. Chew, throw ball at mom, fetch. repeat reapeat repeat repeat...

11:33-12:21: fetching and chewing time. i almost have this ball destroyed, the pieces look so pretty on mom's bed. confetti! yay!

12:25 back to watching the window, growl, woof, get Doodle to do it with me...

12:27 tell Doodle to distract mom so I can look through her bag on the floor, there's something shiny in there that needs to be chewed on. mmmm, i love the taste of ipods. I bet i can get this thing to look pretty with the red pieces on moms bed...

thats all for now! busy busy! -rylie boo louise

* here's what happens when Rylie Boo wants something, in this case a ball which is stuck under the furniture. Note the ball right next to her is not the right one. She doesn't stop until you get the ball for her.

Slacking, Procrastination and Anxiety... Oh My!

So I haven't posted anything in almost a week. Not because I didn't want to, but because I have been super busy having a little personal meltdown about starting school again and other trivial things. I woke up the other morning with a case of social anxiety disorder, for real. It was ridiculous. There are a few blogs that I read on a regular basis and most of those bloggers have important things to do in life, or have kids... but I really feel like I have no excuse for being stressed, which stresses me out!

I am only going back to school and I don't know why I am so nervous about it! I am excited to start nursing school and excited to start my life towards a new career, but I am letting this "overwhelmed" feeling get to me. When I get stressed I tend to "shut down" so to speak. I am normally a planner and prety organized and well prepared for my day, but when I get stressed I forget things, misplace items, procrastinate, stress eat and never answer the phone.

So here's how the first day of school went thanks to my state of mind:

Not so good:
1. Stayed in bed for twenty extra minutes
2. Forgot to feed the dogs and didnt realize it until halfway to school
3. Turned the wrong way at an intersection on the way to school which in morning traffic is timing suicide
4. Went to the side of the parking deck where the entrance was closed (of course)... there were 8 minutes left until class started at this point.
5. Tripped on the way off the elevator while pretending to text message on my cell phone because I get uncomfortable in elevators crowded with skinny, tan, freshman college girls- who knew?
6. Ate at Wendy's for lunch = guilt for days, then ate dessert after dinner and didn't go to the gym= total failure of a day
7. Didn't fold laundry or unload the dishwasher when I got home and instead watched re-runs of Wifeswap on TV
8. Didn't buy books yet

On a good note:
1. All my professors seem super helpful and are fluent in English.
2. I got handed a flyer for rush, which was humorous.
3. Three girls behind me in class were whispering about my wedding ring being pretty. Thank goodness for my eavesdroping skills coming in handy sometimes.
4. I already have a Bachelor's degree and don't have to take BS electives!
5. I DONT live in a dorm or have roomates.
6. I aced my psychology class pre-assessment test with a perfect 100- loving neuroanatomy and being obsessed with medical shows is not a waste of time after all .
7. I can legally drink- ha
8. I can get a free personal trainer from the KSU health center

Anyway, I am working my way out of my "funk" this week and am looking forward to class tommorrow. I am not so nervous anymore thank goodness and I'm not even the oldest one in all my classes! Ryan is being wonderfully supportive and hasn't lectured me once about the height of the clean laundry pile, which I appreciate. I am packing a lunch for tommorrow and even read ahead for chemistry. I can do this!

Yay for America

"Insert large American Flag Pic Here"

Anyway, what a weekend. Saturday was the most beautiful day ever and I'm really not sure what non-horse people do on days like that. Spending it cantering blissfully along with friends and their horses through fields and woods down at the gorgeous Bear Creek Farm in Moreland was basically my version of heaven on earth. Ryan was off shooting at things, so I'm pretty sure he was content as well. What a state we live in. We have beach, we have mountains, we have lakes and woods and fields and sunshine and breezes and wow, humidity, but on days like Saturday I sure am glad to live here.

Sunday was supposed to be a mundane day somewhat, since all I had to do was run down to the airport and pick up a friend who was coming back from NYC. As I waited for her at the top of the escalator near baggage claim I got to do some prime people watching. Let me tell you what, if you ever need a little emotional "pick me up", just spend a few minutes at the top of that escalator. There were reunions and welcomes of all types. Teens coming home from summers abroad, what looked like two sister meeting for the first time in years, a gay homecoming complete with balloons, a confetti shower and a screech of "you look fabbbbbuuuuulooouuuuusss!" followed by a big ole kiss! I was enjoying myself tremendously when from the escalator around the corner I hear the faint sound of applause from those sitting in a nearby cafe. Coming down the escalator must have been 50 or 60 soldiers, men and women in their desert style fatigues and backpacks. They looked tired. The applause grew and I began to notice that the people clapping weren't their families there to greet them, but strangers and as I joined in and noticed some of their faces brighten a little, the applause grew and grew and I got chills. I was thankful in that moment to get to be there clapping for them, even though I may never see any one of them again, I do appreciate their service to our country, and I'm glad all those people standing around me did too. I was proud of my country and proud of all those strangers saying thank you at once.

So this weekend, although lacking in social events or glamorous parties to attend, was one of the most fun I can think of. We are so lucky to live this little life in Georgia and thanks to soldiers like those, we are free to spend our weekends as we please. Yay America.

The Newlywed Game

Although we can't really be classified as newlyweds anymore since we celebrated our one year anniversary in June, I still feel like we learn random little things about each other on a daily basis. Sometimes I even wonder who exactly this man is and if he remembers who exactly I am? Not in a negative way do I wonder that, but it just seems like the mostly successful merging of our two lives into one sometimes goes "off-roading" as we learn more about each other, and compromise, and love, and housekeeping. We are both fiercely independent and this sometimes makes for interesting conversation and plan making- but he is absolutely the only man I have ever known (besides my daddy) that I believe to be right 99% of the time and that always has honorable intentions.

He is off shooting things this weekend while I go riding down at Bear Creek at a hunter pace and I was just thinking of a little list of things I love about him, and a few things I less than love about him. I love lists, like in a Rainman sort of way.

Things I LOVE about my husband and our marriage:
1. He is the best hugger ever
2. Big glasses of water always taste better when he makes them and brings them to me in my favorite Tervis tumbler.
3. He motivates me to be the best at whatever it is I am trying to do
4. The way he researches all big decisions and is thoughtful in making them
5. His good taste in clothes, jewelry, pets, boats and household items
6. He does laundry and helps me fold and generally puts up with my clothing explosions on laundry days.
7. He is super smart and uses good grammar
8. He balances out my somewhat impetuous nature and can talk me into or out of almost anything
9. He loves animals and they love him
10. He shares the same morals, values, and dreams for our future (except that he wants to keep trucks in the main barn and I want horses- silly boy)

Ten is enough, lest the list get a little too "TMI" as my mama would say.

List of things I less than love about my husband and our marriage:
1. When he goes out of town and leaves the kitchen trashcan full. Eww. Girls should not have to do trash. We have to have babies and that exempts us from trash duties.
2. When he hesitates if I ask to drive his car.
3. That he doesn't share my opinion that if everyone in the world got a massage once a month there would be world peace. He has never even used the massage gift card I gave him two years ago. Craziness.
4. The way it sometime takes him forever to make decisions, but I realize that this is because of number 4 listed above.
5. That we sometimes fail to communicate with each other about plans until the last minute.
6. His stupid ugly shiny noisy Blackberry
7. That he takes really long showers in the morning and being as irresponsible as I am, I go back to sleep and then end up running late. You would think the kid has to shave his legs.
8. When he lectures me for: not locking doors, leaving valuables in my car, not leaving lights on in the house and other generally security related offenses. But I know it's for my own good and he is the son of a cop so he was programmed to be totally paranoid.
9. That he can make the dogs behave better than I can
10. How clean and neat and efficient he is with his belongings. I really am jealous of this, I am incapable of being that neat.

There's always more to learn about each other and even though sometimes we get impatient and or annoyed with one another, I thinks it's sort of a fun part of being married. I love the little traditions we are slowly creating with each other and how compromising sometimes just brings us closer.

Never Alone

I have the day off today, and when I'm home by myself, I love to watch the doggies and spend time with them between their tightly scheduled napping periods. I was watching Doodle sleep and thinking about how I never feel really alone when she is around. It got me thinking about our history together and how important she is to me.

In July of 2004 I adopted "Doodle", also known as Abigail on a whim, on my lunchbreak from work. She was terrified of everything, 40 pounds underweight, abused, and in such bad shape that I though she was a chocolate lab- but she's black! Anyway, for the first two days that I had her (it was summer in Athens so I had my apt. to myself) I spent most of the time sitting on the floor with treats in my hand not making eye contact and trying to get her to come to me. She spent most of her time in the corner, shaking. After a week or so, she started to really come around and would follow me throughout the apt. but not really get close. I thought for a few days about finding her a home because I thought she would never love me. I decided to try some pretty intense socialization so I took her everywhere with me, which is totally possible in Athens and something I miss! I wanted her to think of me as her "pack leader". Anyway, I took her for a walk at the Intermural fields/trails at UGA and ran into an older lady with an old German Shepherd. She asked me about Doodle and I told her the story and that I was a little depressed because she seemed to tolerate me, but not really love me. She told me all her Shepherds were rescues and not to give up. She said the secret was to sit next to them and pull their face close and whisper in their ear that you will always love them and will never let them be homeless again. A little cooky, yes. The dog psychologist (yes they have those in Athens) I took her to said that she felt very uncomfortable with close human contact and that getting in her face was NOT what I should do. But I did exactly that. I whispered to her every day and in about two days, the following went to constant contact. No matter where I walked, sat, or laid, she always seemed to be there next to me, leaning on me or pressing her body against mine. I was thrilled because she loved me, and she needed me, and I could give her everything she needed. My maternal instinct is strong, but my dogs are the only babies I want to nurture at this time in my life so it worked for both of us. She began to blossom and her personality came out. The dog that NEVER made a sound for the first two months I had her started to "talk" to me when she wanted something. She was gaining weight and her coat was coming in a glossy black. I learned that she loved to go in the car and go swimming at the lake and had little to no interest in fetching anything, ever. She started to play with the plethora of toys I bought her instead of just looking at them and she "squeaked" her days away at my feet with her toy pig in her mouth. She developed an aversion to having doors closed in between us and laid on the bath mat when I showered, which she still does, and she saw my "potty" time as the perfect opportunity to get petted and lean on me. I was worried that she might get a little too attached and develop some separation anxiety issues, so I made sure not to make a big deal when I left the apt. and I say the same exact thing to her everytime I leave the house. "Be back in a little while, be a good girl, I love you" She chewed up one shoe one time, but that was it. She learned about me leaving and I think her personality is probably and little like mine in that she enjoys some alone time.

When Ryan gave me Rylie Boo for Valentines Day in 2008, I was pumped because Doodle would have a friend to play with (she loves other dogs) and the exercise would help keep her young. Not to mention she was the cutest puppy known to mankind. Rylie Boo, being a poodle, is by nature an inquisitive, intelligent, and affectionate dog. She craves CONSTANT attention and because I am so used to having Doodle around, Rylie Boo picked up those same habits, only took them to the next level. Instead of waiting on the bath mat while I shower, she will jump IN the shower if I don't close the door quickly enough. She will jump IN my lap when I potty and unlike Doodle, who is happy to find a place to lay in the same room, Rylie Boo is not happy unless she is touching me or walking next to me at all times. If I get up off the couch to put a cup in the dishwasher, she comes all twelve steps with me. I have created a monster. I cannot do ANYTHING in the house alone or without what I call "poodle help".

I'm sure Ceasar Milan would tell me that I did this because I want to be needed and have a strong mothering instinct, and he's probably right, but I swear I didn't realize that I would never be able to walk down the stairs without feeling poodle hair brushing my ankles. So even though it's a little annoying to have a 90 pound lab and 11 pound poodle leaning against you and trying to jump in your lap if you have to pee, it's nice on days like this when I'm home alone or Ryan is out of town and we can just enjoy the quiet together. I'm thankful for that cooky lady's advice and I still whisper to Doodle almost every day that she will never be alone again either.

On a different note:
I'm a little scared about what I will do if human children are this needy! Moms out there, do you get to pee alone?